(Repost from original blog May 2012)
Over the course of my life I have hated and loved every single part of my body. This is no exaggeration, I’m sad to admit. The one part of my body – and I hate putting this into words, especially written ones because I don’t want to give them any power, so I will word this very carefully: The body part I am learning to love the slowest would be my thighs. (haha, can you read between those lines??) So after a ‘friend’ in junior high told me my legs were too white to wear shorts I stopped and didn’t bare my legs again for many many years. I wish I could say that I have gotten to the point where people’s words just roll off me……… but it’s a journey. I’ve gotten a lot further along than I was at 13!!
So eventually I got to the point where I would wear long shorts – thank goodness since I now live in Hawaii. Then I found yoga and along with my other exercise my body continued to become what I wished for. My yoga guru and dear friend Jen wears the tiniest yoga shorts and has an incredible body that I, and everyone else, love to look at and enjoy, so stunning so strong! Obviously her wearing tiny shorts is not only natural, it’s a treat for everyone around her! I was at her house one day feeling very diva-esq after being around her all evening and I said ‘Jen what kind of shorts do you buy, and are there longer kinds that I could get?’ she took me to her closet which was like a candy store for yoga clothes – every color and every pattern imaginable- and started pulling out shorts for me to try on. Since I do as I’m told by my yoga guru, I put on the tiniest shorts I had ever seen. She freaks, tells me they look great on me. I think she is crazy and I say so. Out in the living room our friend called out to see what the fuss was about. I very timidly walked out of her bedroom, very timidly! Everyone agreed that the shorts looked good. I didn’t think they would lie to me so I thought hmmm… maybe one day I could wear shorts like these? Something inside my heart peered out from behind trepidation, disbelief and uncertain excitement. Jen was emphatic that the shorts looked so good I had to keep them. She was so certain and so excited for me that I finally agreed to leave with the shorts, feeling like they were the crown jewels.
The next day in yoga class I put on the shorts and nervously walked in with my butt hanging out, tugging constantly at the itsy piece of fabric. I set up my yoga mat but I wanted to crawl under a rock! I worried that this was the worst idea I had ever had and the beautiful and fit yoga girls were disgusted by me. It was high school all over again and the popular girls were going to look down their noses at me. I ran to the locker room and pulled the shorts in every direction, trying to cover my ass and freaking out at the cellulite that to me looks neon.
Just as class started Jen saw the shorts. She was so proud of my body transformation and that I was wearing them that she exclaims ‘the shorts!” and points to me telling the girls around me (the beautiful ones who I’m intimidated by) how she gave them to me the night before and don’t I look great. I told them I didn’t really think I could pull them off and you know what? They all gushed with positive praise! I kid you not, they flattered me and bolstered me up, told me how I rocked the shorts and that had a great body and should keep on rocking them. Slowly my insecurity mellowed and my diva peeked out. I watched my legs and ass in the mirror through the entire 90 minute class. At points I was horrified by what I saw, stuff jiggling everywhere! But mostly I was amazed that I looked okay, and that it wasn’t that bad. And sometimes it was even good.
So now I rock tiny shorts whenever I can. And I look at my thighs in the mirror as much as possible and work to think positive thoughts about them. The transformation slowly continues. I can not say I am confident in the shorts, I still have moments of panic when I look down and everything looks huge. But when I look in a mirror I see that it looks just fine, great even! So I just keep buying more shorts and working to build that confidence, working to think the positive thoughts that I know are transforming my body and my life!
This is my Booty Short Revolution! I say let it all hang out girls! Do anything you can to love and feel proud of yourself, we are all worth it!
UPDATE!!! 2 months later
You are never going to believe this! I wrote this blog about 2-3 months ago (wrote it weeks before I could muster up the balls to post it). And just two weeks ago I was asked to be a model in a shoot for my friend’s clothing line – of BOOTY SHORTS! Can you freaking believe that? I couldn’t believe it when she asked me. It was a wonderful experience with incredible women. And of course several more opportunities for me work on reprogramming how I think about my body! First, I had to accept that she was asking me! Second, at the shoot as I stood half naked next to women I felt were so much smaller and more model-esque than me, it gave me a chance to call on that inner diva – strength, knowing, connectedness – and step into my own, letting go of worrying about it and just enjoying the playful fun of it all! Then third, when I saw the pictures and actually said “Is that MY butt???!!!!” I was reminded again that my body looks pretty darn good, not what I think it looks like in my head. I should be proud of it, not nit pick, or criticize.
Here are some pictures. And be sure to check out the clothing line Ships in the Night: on sale in many stores in Kona, Hawaii and also at http://www.etsy.com/shop/shipsinthenight?page=2